Divorce and children

I’ve started reading a book on the effects of divorce on children. And it’s a depressing read. What the author is saying is that from chatting to and doing surveys on, hundreds of people whose parents divorced when they were kids (and she deliberately chose children who since appear to have done well, ie, gone to university and got good jobs, don’t have obvious ‘issues’ and compared them with similar people whose parents did not spilt up) and found, from the point of view of the children there is no such thing as a ‘good divorce’.

Adults tend to think that a good divorce is one where both parents still love and see the child, they don’t argue or put down other parent in front of the children, they get along amenably on anything to do with the child’s welfare and education. If they do this the child will be fine and in fact divorce is a good thing because now both parents can be happy. This may (sort of) be true in the case of the parents but it is not the case for the children (though of course, during divorce, lack of conflict is better than conflict).

It also said that research has shown that, actually, mothers almost always come off worse than fathers. Not just for financial reasons – not the case for me thank goodness – but because, women are significantly less likely than men to have another long-term relationship or get married, even if they get divorced in their 30s. And another relationship gets less likely as they get older. It’s made even more less likely if the mother is the one with custody of the children. Men on the other hand are more likely to have another relationship and that likelihood gets greater as they get older. This makes sense to me in some ways but not in others. Does it basically mean that men are always coupling off with younger women who have never been married? Otherwise, where are all these women coming from?!

The reason that children are never entirely ok after a divorce is to do with having to split themselves between the two lives and homes of their parents. They say that they never fully feel part of either, are forced to grow up and form their own ideas about morality and ethics at a far younger age than children from homes where the parents are together (due to parents having different rules and ways of living so they have to decide on what they want for their own beliefs) and that they even adapt different ways of acting in each household to appease the parents, which in the end leads them to never feel sure who they really are. This bit rings true to me and confirmed what i suspected. Because i saw it in my step-son. It was so obvious that he was a completely different person in each house, even when he was only four. He had a split personality. You could feel, and see, him changing personality on the drive between her house and ours. I really worried what that was doing to him psychologically.

I haven’t read to the end yet. But basically what it is saying is that if you are the 2/3 of people divorcing, or thinking of divorcing, where there is no seriously compelling reason (abuse, violence etc) then, it is best, for the kids at least, to stay together. Because they have discovered that even kids whose parents were unhappy but stayed together, were emotionally better off than those kids whose parents didn’t.

Its gutting reading i can tell you. I feel horrible about what this is doing to E and i didn’t even get the choice!!! M wouldn’t even discuss the possibility of staying together. Because he is such a selfish c...

I think that the only thing i can do is to continue as long as i can to make it so that M does not have E over night so that his main home is here, to try and avoid the feeling of being split for as long as possible. Never to agree to the alternate weeks with each parent thing (i had decided that already after reading an account from a child who said they had fewer friends because of this cos their friends didn’t bother meeting them after school cos they never knew which house they were in) and always to be aware of the split of allegiances that E will feel. And talk about it with him as soon as he is able, so at least it is a feeling that is out in the open and maybe can be dealt with. The kids in the book weren’t able to discuss this feeling because they didn’t want to upset their parents and felt they were the only ones going through it.

Other than that i can’t think what to do!

It’s horrible. I feel horrible. Depressed, wretched, upset and a failure. I love that child so, so much and i don’t want for this to have had to happen to him!!!


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I've just had a look back at these posts. They are almost all bitter and angry. I'm not all the time, but I am every time I post here.

Probably M left cos I'm bitter and angry? Probably M shouldn't have been born.

Yesterday the guy who has just been promoted to as new head of all our companies in Europe gave a bit of a talk to my part of the company. I already knew a lot of it. It didn't make it any the less facinating. He has done A LOT with his life. A lot of it amazing, a lot of it really interesting.

He is funny, charismatic, highly-intelligent, fluent in languages you wouldn't expect, a caring father to 4 kids, driven, rich, a bit of an Eco-warrior hippy at times and also pretty damn gorgeous. (Married. Of course :o)

He's only 44.

And where am I at 37?
Exactly.

Still, at least I'm not M.
Driveling on about how I'm being unfair to insist on him having proper accomodation for our son because he can only earn 210 a week.
WANKER.

What does that make me? I married the dick.






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Has already Eaton

Ha ha hahahahahaha! :))))))

(White coats enter stage left :o)


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Enough

Fucking fed up and at the end of my tether. Beyond it probably.
Don't come anywhere near me unless you want to get screamed and sworn at. If I could kick people in the teeth I probably would.


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Sobering fact

Despite what people say, nobody really cares about what you're going through but yourself,
most people say they'd love to help but don't,
and those very, very few that would, you can't get to when you need them most.


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I'm having trouble coping

On my own I'd be fine. No probs. Moderate stress. I'd get over it, I'd be alright.

Me plus The Baby. That's so hard. Full time job, not enough time, not enough sleep, maximum stress. So much so I'm beginning to feel permanently nauseous. Al this also means I cry at absolutely anything.

And that's with my family around. In April they're all going abroad. And M is moving away in April too.

Just me, The Baby (a more and more energetic baby), and my full time job and permanent nauseating stress. For 2 weeks.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreading it.


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Location:Sofa

I need a cuddle.


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I have just...

...started reading a book that I have a strong suspicion I'm going to love so much that the frustration of not having written it myself will make me cry. Like The Time Traveler's Wife all over again.


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Location:The bed

Day 59

Today appears to be one of those, 'M irritating the crap out of me' days. Turned up this morning to drop Toby off at the yard, only to discover that he's taken the day off and is in fact still in Staffordshire with his irritating 'friends', job-seeking. Nice of him to tell me. Guess he won't be picking The Baby up from nursery then eh? True to form i only just got a text telling me that. No doubt his excuse would be that he was originally planning on getting back on time. I won't bother asking. No point.

I went to visit a friend this weekend and we had a good, if slightly subdued, time. We're both generally knackered and mildly depressed. Me due to being left holding The Baby, her due to being made redundant shortly after she was begining to think she was back on track with her life after calling off her wedding a couple of years ago and the subsequent fallout and financial loss (house etc). Only the evenings were subdued though. During the days we were taking The Baby to the zoo and the indoor soft play area and the pub for lunch. She was pretty exhausted by him too. Phew. Sometimes if I wonder if it's just me that finds it hard. M always says he's 'a doddle' to look after.
Twat.

Anyway, many topics of conversation were discussed. including how were we to find a nice fanciable man (each) who would be happy to have regular sex and maybe the odd day out or wedding +1 invite but would be ok with that being it. We think this will be more difficult than it sounds. Firstly it requires probably same amount of time effort and luck as finding a decent boyfriend and secondly, they probably wouldn't believe that was all we wanted and would back off because of it.

Another topic of conversation was that she had had a terratoma removed. A flipping grapefruit-sized terratoma! I am slightly ashamed that the first words out of my mouth were, "Ooh! Did you see it?Did they let you keep it?"
Unfortunately they didn't.
I'd have loved to have a look in that particular pickle jar!


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Location:My desk

So true!

Fantastic quote:

"A lot of men don't realise that the more beautiful a woman feels the more easygoing she is" (Steve Santagati)

You could easily substitute "beautiful" for other words such as loved, secure or adored.

Now, how do we make them geddit?
(Spunky excepted. Spunky already knows. :)


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Location:My desk

The future

So, when the time comes what is a good way of finding 'the real' right man for me do you think?

It's a difficult question and one that is beginning to bug me. So much so that I very rashly signed up to a dating website late night cos they had that profiling thingy and were doing a free weekend.
Big mistake.

I just don't have the time quite frankly. What with the toddler, the mother, the full time (unusually busy at the mo) job, the emotions all over the place and the struggles just to keep up with life every day.

Oh, and a broken washing mashine.

But, when I do have the time, what's the best way do you think?

X


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Location:Sofa no. 2

Happier today

...just thought I'd let you know that. Before I emailed you the link and you wondered if I was about to slit my wrists.

In other news. I REALLY want a new ipad.
Must. Resist.


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Location:The sofa

:(

I'm sorry Spunky. I can't be happy today and I most definitely can't be witty.

I'm sad and I'm so angry with M for how he's behaving. He's so grumpy with me All The Time. Even when he tries to say sorry he sounds exactly like a sullen teenager who doesn't mean it. This evening he was telling me why he is now jobless. And the look on his face was all tight-lipped, wide-eyed and stroppy. Almost as if he was saying, "and its all your fault so there!"

CUNT CUNT CUNT!!!

Umm. Am I allowed to swear on my own blog?!

Anyway, on the plus side, that was the trigger for me finally taking off my wedding ring. I saw that expression and thought, "Jesus, how could I ever be married to someone who acts like that?"

And now I'm back from French class and have to do some more work.

Life is a bit bollocks. :(


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Location:The car

Monday blues

Monday morning and yet again I promised myself I'd get up early enough to get The Baby to nursery and me to work on time.

I did get up when the alarm went off. But I just felt so vomity sick with the earliness and the stress that I ended up lying in the bath for 3/4 hr trying to pull myself together.

So, late again then.
Bollocks.

Followed by forgetting to go to the cafe early enough to get porridge. Followed by boring but stressy urgent work. Followed by me doing self-sabotage timewasting by deciding to look up the history of vaseline glass and watch-listing vases on eBay. Followed by more boring stressy work (deadline tomorrow). Followed by M saying he couldn't pick The Baby up on time. Followed by me leaving early and promising myself I'd work at home. Followed by an evening of baby-corralling (did I spell that right? Doesn't look like it) and cooking dinner. Followed by me saying bollocks to the work I'm knackered and going to bed.

This can't go on!



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Location:The bottom step

Sunday-jà vu

Things still feel a bit weird with M gone. So much so that I was convinced it was Sunday for most of the day. So, periodically remembering that I'm not at work tomorrow has been good.

Didn't do a huge amount today though. Just looking after and playing with The Munchkin and getting Mum to help me take him to the indoor play area for the half hour before it shut cos he was going a bit stir crazy after a day in the house. That was good fun too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it myself, especially the slides. Who says it's just for kids?

In other news, i have decided to take down the large "family pic" in the dining room. It seems a shame as Mum only just bought it for us at Christmas and I was going to leave it up for The Munchkin, but in the end I decided it was a touch too much of the Miss Haversham's to leave such a big obvious pic of M about the house so, to the loft with it!

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Location:The sofa

So then, on to yesterday's three good things:

1. It was sunny! (at least in the morning)
2. I went to the main canteen for lunch and Sue was so glad to see me she said "Sorry for the delay everyone!" and ran out and gave me a huge hug.
3. Small Thing is back, after his night away with his father. I missed him.

I shouldn't call him Small Thing really should I? Think of the complex I might give him when he grows up?

My first testing blog post

This might not work. And I'm so knackered my eyes hurt. But that's probably not related to whether or not this works. Obviously...


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Location:The sofa